mania (noun) 1. excitement manifested by mental and physical hyperactivity, disorganization of behavior and elevation of mood.
Yep, that pretty much sums up what happens to me when I go out on an audition. The heart starts pounding, I hyperventilate. The normally rational and intelligent Ashley is overtaken by the “oh my god, why did I become an actor? You suck suck suckity suck!” Ashley. As you can see, I have a tendency to set myself up for failure. I hate auditioning so much I’ve managed to avoid it for three years. Alas, that time has come to an end. I’ve applied to a Master’s in Acting program, which, of course, requires me to prove I can, indeed, act.
Thankfully, I was invited to attend “Monologue Mania” at A Noise Within in Glendale this past Saturday. Taught by Julia Rodriguez-Elliott and Geoff Elliott, the founders and artistic directors of A Noise Within, this workshop focused on the (much abhorred) audition monologue.
Right off the bat, Julia points out the “alien experience” of an audition. “You’re in a strange environment, you’re talking to people who aren’t there and you’re performing for people who may or may not be friendly.” What do you do? Telling yourself to “just relax” isn’t going to help much.
It’s about getting back to basics: Where are you? What’s your environment? What are the given circumstances? Where did you just come from? And the big one - what do you want?
Julia talks about “the Wind Up,” i.e. the part just before you go into an audition. That moment before where you breathe deeply and tell yourself, “I’m acting, I’m acting.” In other words, you’re psyching yourself out. Instead, she says, focus on the moment before your character begins this monologue. Really think about and see the place she is in. If you’re centered and anchored to that place, then you’ll be ready to go.
Perhaps it is because auditions are so short I often forget all the work I do for a performance needs to also be done for an audition. To be honest, I’ve always wanted to just get the audition over with. I think the most time I’ve ever spent on a monologue in the past was maybe two weeks. Julia suggests having “six-seven monologues you live with.” Ones you can always go back to and work on and use.
Having sat on the other side of the table, I know now how an auditioner thinks. As Geoff points out, “I want you to come in and be brilliant. I’m not sitting there judging you.”
That had always been the cause of my anxiety in the past - “They’re judging me!” No, what’s really going on is I’m judging myself and, most importantly, not trusting myself. That is why I’ve always had terrible auditions. I wasn’t committed or confident in my choices. In other words, I hadn’t done the work! Word to the wise - they always know when you haven’t done the work. Always.
Even “you know when you’re bull-shitting,” laughs Julia. “I have no idea what I’m saying so I’m just going to say it with a lot of passion!” Once you know what you’re saying, and what you want from the other person, then you’ll understand. There’s no need to play it up.
I was one of the last to go up and perform my monologue. By that time, I was so eager to share. For the past month, I’ve had so much fun creating this character and working on this speech that I wanted to share it with someone other than my window. My enthusiasm for the piece definitely came through but Julia pointed out something that is hard to see when working on your own. The reactions of the “people” you are talking to. Uh-ha. That was the missing component to my work. I was so focused on her thoughts and feelings and actions, I put her on a stage - so to speak. The people she was talking to were there, I looked at them, but I hadn’t yet seen them. Trust me, they’re there now.
I am glad to have met Julia and Geoff - the married couple work very well together. They teach with compassion, insight and humor. And they know just what to say or ask to help you mold your performance. Overall, I’m feeling like the rational, intelligent and talented person I am. I think it’s time I dispel the mania of auditioning. I think it’s time I start setting myself up for success rather than failure. I think it’s time I trust myself.
